Dear you. 

I know this time of year might be difficult with all the changes and possibly waking up alone or not spending the holidays as a family but just know it’s ok to not have all the answers, things might not be perfect like that hallmark movie but you got this and remember that you will get through it and be ok.

Co-parenting at any time of the year can be challenging. Managing birthdays, vacations, special days throughout the year and busy schedules become a balancing act that all split families learn to juggle real quick.  Throw in the Christmas holidays, extra family members from both sides and an increased intake of sugar and excitement and co-parenting can go from already challenging too more like one of those wild rides where you just hang on for dear life. 

The holidays are a time to enjoy family friends, share in laughs and unwind from busy schedules.  Regardless of how much you plan and organize and prepare this time of year there are bound to be some hiccups.  Through my co-parenting journey these are a couple of the things I have learned: 

1. Communicate – Plan and prepare in advance. Write things down or get it in writing so that each parent has a copy of the plan. This will help avoid confusion and misinterpretation, helping to alleviates stress for parents and the children often caught in the middle.
2. Be flexible and reasonable – things may change and exchange times might need to be adjusted.   As much as anyone can plan and prepare sometimes we just need to be understanding about reasonable event that can change the plan. Take a deep breath remember somethings are just out of our control. Try and see the big picture and be mindful that little eyes are watching your reaction. Don’t let it ruin your day or your already divided time with your children.  
3. Be considerate – your children’s time with both parents is important.  There is value in having a positive experiences with both parents. This time is hard for everyone including the children. Less tension is a positive for everyone.
4. Be realistic that Christmas will be different. If you are a newly separated family or have done it for years things can change. Partners move on, blended families create new norms and children become adolescents and adults with their own plans.  Christmas may look different and being able to adapt to the ever evolving situations and being open minded to change benefits everyone and can help reduce stress and anxiety felt throughout this season. 
5. Nothing is equal and fair – Remember that this is about your children and what is good for them.  It is just as difficult a transition for them to go between homes as it is for you to transition into spending time without them on these special occasions.  
6. Build new memories – traditions can be a trigger for memories of the past. Honour those memories. Take a stroll down memory lane with the kids those are their memories too.  Although some may be more painful for you than them they are important and part of what made you a family. Create opportunities for new memories with your children. Recognize that although your family looks different you will always be a family. 
7. Be prepared that it can be sad – you may be alone without your children for all or part of the holidays. It is normal to grieve the loss of what was, being sad and feeling lonely is part of the package. Be mindful to not let your sadness turn to anger. Being angry does nothing to help the situation.  Make plans with friends, volunteer your time at a local organization or do something that feels good for you. 

I have been in your shoes and remember my first Christmas without my babies and it was hard. I remember making plans with my best friend and her husband and those will always be some of my fondest memories. Honour yourself, the change and new beginnings. There is value in quality over quantity.  Take a deep breath, enjoy the moments and create holiday memories that last a lifetime. 

Merry Christmas 

Written by Alie Lewis, Certified Counsellor with Wildflowers.