I have spent the past 20 something years talking to kids of all ages. In that time I have heard many of the same themes expressed by kids. Most often kids tell me that they don’t feel like their parents understand them or what life is like for them each day. The problem is that many kids do try to express to their parents, but feel misunderstood and invalidated, so they stop communicating with their parents about what they want or need from them. I believe one reason for this is because developmentally kids, especially young kids, find it challenging to see other people’s perspectives. It is as though they assume you have a mind reading super power, and so you know what is going on in their head. The other reason is that parents don’t ask. Most adults have a difficult time telling another adult how they would like them to change or do things differently, so imagine how difficult it is for a child to tell a parent. There needs to be trust and an assurance that the parent will listen. This truth is not meant to make parents feel guilty. We all get busy with life and “adulting” is hard work, but it doesn’t hurt to stop and reflect. It doesn’t hurt to ask yourself, “what can I do to improve my relationship with my child[ren]?” The majority of parents I have worked with want to do better and improve the parent-child relationship. We have to remember that it is not just about our kids listening to us. We also have to listen to them, and role model reflective listening and validation (see my earlier blog, May 2022). We are driving new cars with new technology as our world evolves, so why are still using the same parenting strategies as our own parents? So, as a starting point of a conversation you might like to have with your kids, I will go through some of the things I have heard.
• “Sometimes when I say no I just don’t agree. I am not trying to be disrespectful”. Disagreement is not the same as disrespect. I’ve met parents who get very stuck on having children OBEY them without question. Yes, I know life would be easier if you have obedient children, but do you really want your child to obey blindly? Is your goal to teach them to obey all adults? I believe most parents want kids to have an opinion and feel safe to express it when they think something isn’t right. What we really want our kids to learn is that there is a way to disagree and be respectful. As parents we need to remember this too. When our children, or partner, disagree with us it can be infuriating. I’ve met individuals who really dig their heels in when this happens, and fight back with conviction because they feel as though their authority is being attacked. However, if we move off of our position of power, and view the person as an equal who is just trying to express a different opinion, we hopefully can step back and focus on having a respectful conversation. Children NEED to be able to experience a respectful disagreement, both in their family relationships and external world (school, work, friends)relationships, so they can learn to express their opinions respectfully.
• “Punishment doesn’t work, it just makes me feel sad and mad”. I hear this one weekly. Kids tell me that being grounded, having their car or electronics taken away, or being isolated in their room doesn’t stop them from doing things wrong. What it does do is make them feel bad about themselves, and feel that they make mistakes all the time. I commonly hear kids say that they have low self-esteem because there is nothing they can do to make their parents happy or proud of them. This does not mean that kids think they should not have rules, or be allowed to do whatever they want. They do understand their needs to be some consequences when they make mistakes, but it needs to make sense for them to learn. I worked with a very lovely school principal, and she would really take time to think about consequences when students made mistakes. My favourite consequence she delivered was to a young male student, 16 years old, who used racist and misogynistic language in an ELA report. She could have suspended this student for two days out of school for this offence, however, she recognized that this would not help him learn. So, instead, she made him write a 500 word essay on the negative impacts of racism and misogyny on minority groups in Canada. This consequence fit the crime, and the student shared that he learned a lot from doing the essay.
Parents and kids often become trapped in control battles. During these conflicts, both parties misinterpret each other’s intentions. A parent may consequence or place demands due to concerns. However, children misperceive this as control. Accordingly, they fight back for control. This leaves the caring parent befuddled and angry of the child’s rejection of their concern. This escalates the parent into more authoritative responses, and the child rebels, and the power struggle continues.
Logical and natural consequences work better than punishments. The consequence needs to fit the behaviour, otherwise it just feels like they are a victim and not responsible for what they did. I had a child tell me they were grounded for three weeks ~ no phone, no video games and no after school contact with friends. This child had been late for curfew once, and this was the punishment. This would be similar to receiving a driving suspension for speeding by 10 km over the posted speed limit. A harsh punishment that doesn’t fit the crime. I believe we should listen to the kids.
• “I want them to spend time with me, just me”. It’s easy for kids to feel invisible. Parents are busy with work, household responsibilities and managing the family as a whole. At school, kids are just another face in a sea of children. As much as they might hear their parents say they are special, it doesn’t really impact them if they don’t feel seen. Sometimes we think that because our kids are with us a lot we are spending time with them, however taking them places and being in the same home doesn’t equal spending time together. I have heard kids say that they feel like strangers to their parents, even though they live in the same homeL
You and me alone time (YAMA time) can be a lot of small moments, and it can have a large impact. A wink, a rub on the back, an “inside joke”, a favourite meal, a favourite movie night, joining them in their favorite activity (even if it is fort nite) are simple ways to share space with them and make them feel special and connected to us. When this foundation is built, this is where they will talk to you and share their life with you.
• “I want them to be happy with me”. Most parent’s respond to this one with, “Of course I’m happy with you” or “I would be happy with you more if you just did what I asked”. Both of these response miss the point the child is making. Kids want to feel like you are happy that they came into your life. That they are not a burden (this makes me so sad when I hear kids say they feel like they are a burden), and that you delight in them. Most of us do adore our children, but we don’t show it as often as we should. If we take the moments to laugh with our kids, enjoy their uniqueness and express how we enjoy them, then we are allowing them to see what a gift they are to us.
These are just a few of the wishes I hear children express, and there are many more. Kids won’t just tell you these thoughts, we have to create a safe space for them and be curious about them. If we stay in sync with our kids, we will get clues (be the detective) of what they really want us to know. Asking our kids what they wished we knew, or what we could do differently as a parent, doesn’t put them in charge, it just gives us insight into what they need.
Sources:
Friedberg, Robert D., McClure, Jessica M., & Garcia, Jolene Hillwig., (2014) Cognitive Therapy Techniques for Children and Adolescent: Tools for Enhancing Practice, New York.: The Guilford Press.
Miller, Alec L., Rathus, Jill H., Linehan, Marsha M., (2007) Dialectical Behaviour Therapy with Suicidal Adolescents, New York.: The Guilford Press
Blog Post by Registered Social Worker, Tammy Wagner
