Validation is a term that you may be hearing more often.  According to the Oxford English Dictionary VALIDATION means “a strengthening, reinforcement, confirming; an establishing or ratifying.”  It’s important to keep in mind two aspects when using validation: 1) Validation means the acknowledgement of that which is valid.  It does not mean “making” valid. Nor does it mean validating that which is “invalid”.  In short, validation means listening with understanding, and acknowledging that the person speaking is telling their “truth”.  The listener only has to acknowledge that they “hear” the person, and understand what they are saying.  This does not mean they agree with them, however, validating is about creating space for the person to feel they can be understood.  Marsha Linehan says there are six levels to validation, and explains that validation is “as important as the tylenol for a headache”.

Emotional invalidation is the act of dismissing, rejecting or minimizing someone else’s thoughts and feelings.  It implies that the other person’s experience is not important, wrong, unacceptable or less than.  Often, the person who emotionally invalidates is unaware they are doing so; they genuinely believe they are helping the other person, and do not purposely intend to shame their thoughts and feelings.  Common invalidation statements sound like: “it’s not that big of a deal.  You need to learn to brush these things off”, “that’s not what happened.  You are blowing this out of proportion”, “you are just attention seeking”. 

How to validate:

• Show interest
• Give eye contact
• Encourage the person to continue talking
• Use words to reflect back what you’ve heard
• Summarise what’s been said to show that you’ve actually listened
• Notice and reflect back what’s not been said
• Gently read their mind.  What might the person be feeling, thinking or worrying about?
• Reflect back your understanding of the possible causes that are unique to this person, which may explain what’s going on for them
• Normalise the feelings & responses when they are things that anyone might feel or do in the situation “me too” or “other people would feel that way too”
• Be you, and don’t pretend to be someone that you are not
• Treat the person talking to you as an equal, and keep in the forefront of your mind that they are doing the best they can
• Validation uses empathy, but it’s also the process involved in understanding and conveying that understanding to the person
• “of course”, “me too”, “I know…”, “I understand why you feel this way”, “I see why this is hard for you”, “Your reaction makes perfect sense to me”, “You have every right to feel this way”, “I’m here for you”, “I fully support your decision”, “I want to better understand how you are feeling”, “What can I do to help you right now?”

Validation is the secret ingredient in healthy and happy relationships. That’s why sharing this post with other’s to raise awareness to the importance of validation is encouraged ☺

Source:

Miller, Alec L., Rathus, Jill H., Linehan, Marsha M., (2007) Dialectical Behaviour Therapy with Suicidal Adolescents, New York.: The Guilford Press. 

Written by Tammy Wagner, Registered Social Worker with Wildflowers